Jan 27

Honestly, I feel like I am so sinful that I need more than just grace sometimes. I know that it always says things in the Bible that we should press on and not let sin increase and stuff...but sometimes it's so easy to take advantage of that. Why is it so easy to take grace so lightly? Jesus DIED for me...i'm like nothing but He loves me and died for me. I'm literally like a red mite in comparison to Him. he has no need for me, yet He chooses to love me and die for me. I don't know why...and because of that I should be pushed to be so in love with Him that I would not desire to sin against Him anymore! Although my salvation is sealed by His Spirit, and himself, I shouldn't just dismiss everything He has done for my by rejecting Him every time I screw up. Why is sanctification so hard? lol It's actually really weird! because I want to get to grow closer to God, but my flesh is so extremely weak that it's ridiculous...like it's sad. I really do wonder sometimes that maybe my flesh is weak because I take grace way too for granted! we always say these things, but do we truly believe that we do? what are we doing to change that?
I sort of came to this conclusion when I was thinking about myself at school. I remember when i was in first semester, I was so motivated to do well in school! it was a mix of things: I had a vision of what I wanted to do in the future, I wanted to prove to myself I could do this, i wanted to show my friends and family that I can get decent marks, I wanted to glorify God with the gifts He's given me and all that. But now, after I feel like it's actually within reach to get into physio, after I showed myself I can actually do well in school, after my friends and family know that I can be disciplined my motivation decreased severely. I used to think that I was driven with Godly discipline last semester, but maybe in the end, it was just selfish ambition...to make a name for myself that felt unreachable. But now that I can obtain these things, it feels so easy to just sit back and relax and be selfish again by only caring about my body and letting myself be a lazy bum (though i still go to class and stuff).
I need God to really do some heart surgery for me! He has revealed to me how selfish my heart can be! I want to excel in school for Him! I want to be a physio for Him! I want to get married for Him! everything for His glory alone! I want to want this! I am reminded of that time when this father was like "Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief"..."Lord I want to glorify you, help me with my selfish desires of glorifying myself" "To live is Christ, To die is gain"...or paraphrased as "Jesus, I want to live my life for your glory and I want to know you. When I die, I can be with you and that is far better!" Am I even saying that? at small group yesterday they asked, Fill in the blank, "to live is ___".  I said for others! which was true at the moment! but as i think deeper and stuff, it is true, but I also live for myself! Yes, it's human nature, but it doesn't mean that it's good. God I want you to be sufficient for me. I need to depend on myself less and more on you! In the end, I don't know what will happen, but I pray that God will fix this broken/evil heart of mine and help me love Him the most! Godly discipline...it's not just the power of will, but it is a change of heart as well which only the Spirit can fix. God, i pray that you would heal me that I would be able to love you more.